| Almost on the road... |
[Apr. 15th, 2008|09:55 am] |
It's been over two months since I've wrote anything. Where have I been? Working, living life, wasting time. All before I got waste some more time in a, hopefully, more exciting environment. I'm still figuring things out. And I've come to terms that I will always to a degree be figuring things out. Whether it be with myself, my mate, my children, my family, my career, my health, my travels. Some of what I've mentioned I have not grasped yet. But it's what I want my life to be surrounded with. And that hope. That drive. Keeps me sane.
Work has been bearable. I think this is because I made a transition. The environment is a more positive one...to a degree. And I think the fact that I know I'll be leaving, makes it even more doable. I sometimes find myself swaying back and forth though. All influenced by words of my elders, fear, uncertanty. Maybe I should stay. Maybe they are right and I am being stupidly brave. Maybe this is a good job for me. Maybe this is as far as I will go in this life. Maybe this is ok. I sway. Eventually I come back to what I truly think I want right now. And I'm excited again. I just hope this will all be ok.
Love. Has been confusing and non-existant. Story of that chapter in my life.
Health. As painful and sore as I get in the aftermath. I trade one pain for another in each class. Sometimes I get nervous before class because I know what to expect now. I often feel as though I will vomit all over the mats and sometimes invision myself passing out while others just hurdle over me. I love jujutsu!
That is all the ramblings I have time for. Work calls. And no one is making money for me. Rats. |
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| By advice of another... |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|10:23 pm] |
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I woke up Saturday a blithering ball of smiles. In my foggy memory, I think I fell asleep the same. But feeling much more dizzy and happy about it. The morning after though, I felt as though I were just walking on land for the first time after being months on a boat. I blame the Jager. I think it will be a greater year. Not to make this into a cliche. I strongly feel in my bones that this year will be good. And even better, I think the years to come are going to be even greater...than I can imagine. I feel this frequency getting louder. My heart is shinier. Beating faster. At a healthy pace though. Hair is softer. I may not be there yet. My sensors are predicting that I will be more content than I have ever been before. Even though I am not where I want to be. I feel there is a new found patience. Waiting for me. Down the road. By that green tree. And the sun is shining. I'm glowing. |
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| Tonight I realized |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|10:19 pm] |
I've forgotten you.
Now to forget the other one. |
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| Wounded |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|09:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah | ] |
Senses on overdrive
Hyper sensitive
Familiar unknown sounds
Walking
Day or
Night
Walking behind
The sharp stabbing sound of running
At home
Alone
My heart seizes up
My breath heavy
My self sweaty
My pulse races
My muscles tense
Breaking on pure contact
People on the street
A dark menace
Stay away from me
I no longer see you
Know longer know you
No longer have compassion for you
My frail guard is up
I'm no longer myself
I will never ever be the same |
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| Broken |
[Nov. 11th, 2007|01:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lifehouse - Broken | ] |
~The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven't forgotten my way home~ |
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| I'm still alive |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|03:55 pm] |
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Just realized there hasn't been very much activity on my part on here. Hmmm. I shall update once my life stops flat lining. |
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| Shared Accomodation |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|11:50 am] |
Hello my Vancouver friends, I am looking for shared accomodation for a friend. She is looking for something preferably in or around the Mount pleasant or Kits neighbourhood. Open to other areas. She is clean, responsible and a wonderful person! Know of anything or if you could pass this on to anyone you know in Vancouver or with Vancouver connections, that would be lovely!
Thank you. |
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| Dreams... |
[Jun. 27th, 2007|10:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy | ] |
My heart's sad the last few days. Nothing out of the norm. Mostly girl induced I'm sure. I hope. I had a string of dreams last night. Lots of dreaming lately as I'm often interrupted by this evil allergy cough that I've developed a couple months ago. So this dream. I dreamt I saw him at the airport. And that was going to be the last time I was ever going to see him. He told me he loved me and all the reasons why, but I couldn't hear him. I heard at first, but the sound slowly faded out. It was as if I were physically becoming farther and farther away from him. But first the sound went. Something out of a movie. I told him I loved him too. I was holding onto him for dear life and him me. It was so sad. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. This is the second time I've cried just thinking back on this. And it was just a dream. I just remember being so sad. I'm still sad. Feels like I haven't been for a while though. I've been doing ok with distractions. But I was bound to come back down to this. I wonder. I really wonder. When I'll be happy. I don't want to dream anymore. |
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| You could be happy... |
[Jun. 27th, 2007|02:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | up and down | ] |
~You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world~ |
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| I want a to start a new life... |
[May. 10th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Augustana - Boston | ] |
This song always makes me cry at the drop of a hat. Makes me realize how wounded I am. How deep I'm pressing the knife down. I think it just really hits home because I wish so much I could do this right now.
~In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must've crossed
You said
You don't know me, you don't even care
She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you they're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You said
You don't know me, you don't even care
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice
Boston...where know one knows my name~ |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2007|11:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
why am i such a sad person?
why don't i give myself credit?
why can't i answer this?
why can't i just get out of this? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|09:46 pm] |
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I'm having a moment of weakness again. I miss him so much. It hurts right down in the pitt of my heart. Where it's the most painful. The spot that when open never stops. Continues to pour out. With nothing to catch. Washes out until everything is numb. The only reason it stops is because you're dry. And have no more to give. No more at all. |
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| My worst nightmare |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|11:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Disturbed | ] |
I had such a nightmare last night. If anyone knows me, most know I despise crows. I had a dream that crows were clucking me bloody. First I was bit in the finger until I was bleeding. Then more and more crows started showing up. It was like Alfred Hitchcock's Birds re-done. I was being pecked to death. I was awoken by the feeling of crocks pecking at my lower back and I remember physically trying to wake up and swat them away. I woke up in a sweat. I need to lighten up. Perhaps go to bed earlier. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|04:40 pm] |
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Tra la la la la it's the weekend! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|08:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
My heart hurts. |
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| you know it's getting low when... |
[Apr. 11th, 2007|10:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | alone | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Augustana - Boston | ] |
this is such bad timing. so emotional. crying by watching a tv commercial when seeing a shrimp cocktail. memories flooding back. i hate this feeling. it's so pathetic. i want this to be over. i can't deal with this right now. why have i done this to myself again. sometimes i just don't think i'll ever figure it out. what i'm put on this earth to do. sometimes i think it's just not going to happen for me. i was one of the lemons. an accident. the experiment gone wrong.
~i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name...i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset~
i think i need a new name. and a new place. |
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| Senseless ramble of the day! |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|03:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
I had a dream that I took an hour off before work to get my hair did. I was going to chop off all my hair so it would be super short. I was way confident when I got there that I was going to cut it all off. But when I got in the chair I panicked. I started saying, maybe we should just trim it, or style it. Or just colour it. Then I thought wait, I could just get Cindy to do that for me. Why am I at this super expensive salon? And I then started to stress, I'm supposed to keep my hair long for my Sis' wedding. So I changed my mind abruptly and apologized profusely to the hair stylist. And while on the way to work, I thought, why did I think I would be able to get my hair done and back to work all in one hours time?
Very random dream. Not at all worth remembering. But I had this slight urge to tell someone about it. But it didn't seem worth telling someone vocally. This will do. Sorry if you wasted any seconds of your life by reading this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|10:16 pm] |
why does it always seem worse than it is?
why do we dig so deep?
why do we have to feel such despair?
just to have such a feeling at all?
do we think this will give us the answer?
to the question we are asking?
reveal the very purpose that we query?
to stay sane?
to be more human?
uncertain that we may never grow if we aren't pricked just a little more?
will this unrest never pass?
i've been deflated
fallen from the sky
missing the blow
of the concrete against skin
now a wanderer
wondering what happened
what was missed
what's next?
which way to turn?
when gravity was just defied
i can make them fall like a stream
with just a little encouragement
but without it i'm stone cold
not a drop to shed
it's waiting
right at the brim
waiting to jump
scratching at the walls
bleeding on the inside
as it continually gets pushed back down
just when it's gotten the strength to get back up
like a young child
not yet broken of innocence
not having the years to decide
so unaware
but wide eyed and thirsty
what do i do?
what do we do?
isn't that what i should know?
isn't it me who should know this the best?
yet it couldn't be more pitch black
i need a release |
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| You're pulling on my heart strings |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|06:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jack Johnson - Cocoon | ] |
~Well based on your smile
I'm betting all of this
Might be over soon
But your bound to win
Cause if I'm betting against you
I think I'd rather lose
But this is all that I have
So please
Take what's left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave
I know it's not your style
I can tell by the way that you move
It's real, real soon
But I'm on your side
And I don't want to be your regret
I'd rather be your cocoon
But this is all that you have
So please
Let me take what's left of your heart and I will use
I swear I'll use only what I need
I know you only have so little
So please
Let me mend my broken heart and
You said this was all you had
And it's all I need
But blah blah blah
Because it fell apart and
I guess it's all you knew
And all I have
But now we have
Only confused hearts and
I guess all we have
Is really all we need
So please
Let's take these broken hearts and use
Let's use only what we really need
You know we only have so little
So please
Take these broken hearts and leave~ |
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| i'm collecting quotes |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|10:47 pm] |
~your heart is my pinata~
~for it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. it was not my lips you kissed, but my soul~
~there is a sacredness in tears. they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. they speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. they are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love~
~there are four questions of value in life...what is sacred? of what is the spirit made? what is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? the answer to each is the same. only love~
~laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live~
~love is one of the hardest words to say and one of the easiest to hear~
~to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world~
~be the change you want to see in the world~
~if you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of~
~peace comes from within. do not seek it without~
~do unto others as you would have others do unto you~ |
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